An upcoming deployment can mean different things to a lot of people. It’s really all about perspective and everyone’s situation is unique. But one thing is certain, deployment is like that dark gloomy cloud that follows the jinxed cartoon characters around raining on them while everyone else has on their sunglasses enjoying the beautiful weather.
The military spouse experiences emotions unlike anything else before, during, and after the deployment. Feelings of anticipation leading up to the departure are followed by emotional disorganization after he leaves — this is also when Murphy’s Law kicks into effect — as we adjust to the overwhelming amount of new responsibilities.
Somewhere between the anticipation and emotional disorganization, many spouses may feel abandoned while their service member prepares to deploy. (They have a to-do list that is longer that the coast of Australia.) Feelings of anger and sadness can cause an emotional distance — detachment and withdrawal. While this may be considered “normal” feelings to many, I believe that the unwanted feelings and attempts at withdrawal can be avoided. It is all about how you utilize the precious time leading up to the deployment day, aka D-day. There are plenty of emotions that come up during and after the deployment, but we’ll talk about those later.
I can’t speak from experience on this, but I really don’t see how deployment ever gets any easier. Whether it is deployment #1 or #10, whether you run the house solo or have a dog, are pregnant or have 2-year-old triplets, whatever it may be, deployments suck. They are inevitable for a lot of people and we just have to buck up and learn to make them best of them. After all, that’s why God made us military spouses so special, we’re tough enough to get through anything. Here is a list of things to do/thinking about with your husband (or wife) as they prepare for deployment.
Please don’t print this off and use it as a check-list, but by all means, remember that the time before he (or she) deploys is crucial. Use the time carefully.
1. Help out.
You spouse has a HUGE list of things to do before they go. Help where you can. Their list of military stuff to do is long and you can’t assist much with that beyond updating your wills and Power of Attorneys. So put on your big-girl pants and pretend like you’re sending a kid off to college (something more exciting than a deployment). Be eager to assist with the shopping trip for the things they need in their dorm room (bedding, towels, shower caddy, closet organizers, duct tape, reading light, etc.) and try to think of things that he may not thought of, like a shower robe and flip flops, or a memory foam mattress topper. Simply put, be a part of it of the process. Believe it or not, this is good for the both of you, but probably not your bank account — you will just have to accept that fact. Your hubs is likely thrilled to have the opportunity to serve his country, but he’s not tickled pink about leaving you behind. Seeing you eager to help him prepare is an obvious sign of your genuine support. He appreciates that.
When the Viper Pilot moved to Mississippi to start UPT, leaving me in Colorado all by my lonesome, I couldn’t face it. I know this is on a completely different level than a deployment, but we were young and didn’t know any better then. When he talked about house hunting, considered having a roommate, and bought a trailer to move his stuff, I stuck my fingers in my ears and did everything I could to avoided the subject. I wouldn’t help him look at houses for rent online. I wouldn’t help him pack. And I got incredibly ticked when he took an entire week to fix up the trailer that he bought when he could have been spending the time with me. I remember yelling at him, “Just rent a U-Haul!! That’s what they’re for!” Okay, so the trailer has long since paid off for us numerous DITY (do-it-yourself) moves later, but that’s not my point. I thought maybe if I ignored the fact that he was leaving, I wouldn’t have to deal with my emotions. EHH. Big fat wrong. He kissed me goodbye the day he left and the mascara stain is still on the pillow case from when I laid in bed and cried. And cried. And cried. The emotional release was ridiculous. I still had to deal with the emotions in the end but on top of that, I felt like I had completely ignored the guy for the last 3 weeks. He wasn’t even there to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay. I had done this to me, to us. It was awful. He felt awful. No one was happy.
The point is, the deployment is going to happen. You have to face it. By helping him do something as simple as shopping, you are supporting them AND helping yourself come to terms with it. Not helping causes you to bottle up emotions and gives him a really good reason to worry about you after they deploy. Welcome to reality.
2. Start an on-going project.
What are you going to do while he’s gone? Find a project that you can start together before he leaves and work on while he’s gone. It can be something fun to start together before he leaves and something to keep you busy/occupied while he’s away. Need some ideas? Try brewing beer (depending on the length of the deployment, it will be fermented and ready to go by the time he gets home!) or plant a garden (depending on the time of the year).
3. A kiss countdown.
I love this idea, taken from Pinterest. For OPSEC purposes, we shouldn’t keep numerical countdowns to the day that he comes home on a cute little chalkboard in our homes, and keeping track mentally is so tough. But this doesn’t mean you still can’t count down the days in a more discrete way. Fill a jar with Hershey kisses, one for each day of the deployment. You can have your daily “kiss” all while watching the jar slowly but surely become more and more empty. Or try jelly beans. 🙂 Your kids will love it, too!
4. Communicate.
This list is not in any particular order, it’s just the mumble jumble that pours out of my brain via my fingers, but this is probably one of the most important items on this list if I had to pick. Tell each other exactly how you feel…about everything, even the scary stuff. Talk about your feelings. I am not good at talking about my feelings, I prefer to bottle them up and pray for the best. Of course, I am yet to learn that that doesn’t work…ever. Take time to spend if only just a few minutes of each day together over decafs or tea and just relax. Let everything else that needs to be done disappear for a moment. You need this time with each other, more than you can possibly know.
5. Monthly Excitement
Plan an exciting event for each month to give you something to look forward to. Perhaps you can pull out a few of your parents’ teeth to get them to visit you for some time during the deployment. There. That’s one month done. Volunteer to help out with a big event in your community or on base that will require you to attend committee meetings, planning parties, and so forth. Another month done. Take a trip with some friends (to see a grand castle or to a tulip festival!!). Another month done. Having an exciting event on the calendar at least once a month is sure to make time fly. Before you know it, your next monthly excitement will be the homecoming!
{…to be continued in May’s 10 things! Stay tuned!}
PROST!
Bridget says
I admire you, Emily!! so much!
Emily says
Thank you, Bridget. Your support means so much to me!
Unknown says
I really needed this. Thank you so much for making this post. He leaves in 25 days and its already the hardest thing for me and I feel like I have been doing everything wrong lol. This gave me a new perspective. I cant think you enough.