If you follow me on Instagram then you have probably seen the pictures from the week long challenge I did. Inspired by a friend, I posted a picture every day of my perfectly imperfect life. All too often we see pictures on social media that can give us a skewed perception of how others live their lives. Naturally, we always show the good stuff and we while we should dwell on the positives, I wanted to show the world that my life isn’t always so peachy either.
He’s almost 1 year old but I still consider myself a new mom. And I always will because just when I feel like I’ve got him figured out, he changes. Even when we have another baby, it will all be new again. When he starts walking, when he goes to school, when he gets his first heartbreak, driving, college, marriage, becoming a father…and I’m going to be there for him every step of the way even though I’ll have no clue what I’m doing.
Every day, every milestone, every moment is something new. Something fun, something challenging. There will be perfect moments, there will be imperfect moments.
My life has changed so much in the past year. I notice a lot of changes with the blog, too. It is different now. It’s updated less frequently, there are way more pictures than words, I don’t write like I used to, and there have been no “special topics” posts. I keep saying I need to bring back the old vibe of the blog and revive it to what it once was. I also keep saying that I’m going to take a break from blogging because my life is primarily offline/unplugged right now. I think I’ve hit a blog burn out. The fact of the matter is, my life – my heart – is in a different place than it was a year ago. I’m not going to stop blogging and if you read my about a&e page, at the bottom you’ll see that I don’t even know myself what the future holds for this blog. And that’s perfectly okay, so I’m just going to trust in God’s plan for me and just keep swimming, as Dory the fish would advise. I’ll keep blogging, as frequent or infrequent as it may be.
It’s been fun to look back at my week of pictures and reflect on the good and not-so-good moments. I see a lot about myself and my perfectly imperfect life that I hadn’t noticed before. One in particular, is how tired I look. And how I have the ability to take a chaotic moment and make it perfect. I’ve adjusted to my new life as a mom in many ways. I don’t sweat the small stuff that I used to. Oh, except laundry. There will always be more laundry and I will always hate it.
All week, I found myself searching for the most imperfect moment about my day. I carried my phone in my pocket ready to photograph the imperfect moment when it presented itself so I could share it with the world and prove to everyone that I’m not perfect, just normal. This whole concept is really just a bit silly and I got a little caught up in it.
We can’t take a picture the imperfect moments in life like we can with the seemingly perfect ones. The imperfection is all around us, sometimes they drive us mad, sometimes we don’t notice them. What I was really doing was just finding something to complain, vent, or whine about. Who can blame me, we all have our ups and downs, right? We’re human.
I don’t want to show you the real stuff, the guts of my imperfect life. The breakout on my face or the frizzy split ends of my sometimes greasy unwashed hair, an ingrown toenail and my 4 week old pedicure, the dog puke, the regurgitated zucchini and turkey Owen left all over his highchair after choking on probably a piece of scrambled egg he found from yesterday…that stuff is gross but it is reality. There were difficult moments, too. A great-uncle passed away last week and I can’t be there with my family, I compared myself to other moms, I asked God for patience more than I thanked him for what I have, and I melted down when I couldn’t handle the whining teething 11 month old anymore. There is a lot of ugly, gross, sad, emotional moments that make our lives imperfect. It’s normal but we don’t want to air them out for everyone to see. Today, though, I want to talk about one of the biggest (and not disgusting) struggles in my perfectly imperfect life as a parent. Sleep. Or rather, the lack of it. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably been asked,
Is he sleeping through the night?
and responded, regardless of the truth,
Yeah, of course he is!
Why do I, like so many other moms, feel like I have to lie about this? For so long I’ve been insecure and even in denial about this. I didn’t want to be the run down, puffy eyed mom at play dates. I have to hide that bad stuff. I shove it under the surface. Appear cool, calm, and collected like a duck on water but paddle like hell to stay afloat. Let the world see the things that make him a good baby. The things that make being his parent easy. Hey guys? Parenting? It isn’t easy.
Okay.
So my kid doesn’t sleep well. He has never been able to put himself to sleep on his own unless in the car and sometimes I have to hold him or nurse him or go for a drive just to get him to nap. So what? I’m not doing anything wrong. It doesn’t make me a bad parent. I’m not creating bad habits. I’m just doing what works. No one gets excited about how their baby woke up every 2-3 hours every night for the past week and posts a selfie because “they’ve never felt better!!” Nope. No, no, that’s not something to brag about.
Well, now I’m going to brag about it. I’m not complaining, I’m not justifying, or making up for inadequate parenting skills. I’m bragging that it is okay to be a tired mom. It’s okay to admit it. It’s okay to not always have it all together. Some days you do have to paddle like hell. Maybe there is another mama with a bad sleeper on their hands who can relate. If I can give just one person a peace of mind that they’re not alone, this post has served its purpose.
Did you know that the American society considers it a “problem” when your baby doesn’t sleep through the night? A problem. Owen used to be a great sleeper. He slept 7-12 hours straight from his third night of life until he was 4 months old. Then it all came to a screeching halt. Because of the 4 month sleep regression, teething, separation anxiety, who knows? I’ve never been able to figure it out. He now wakes every 2-5 hours. I am chronically tired. I see it in pictures of myself. My eyes have permanent bags under them and I have these funny wrinkles in the corners. I understand why they call them crow’s feet.
Is it a problem, though? The social pressure is everywhere. I’ve seen the parenting books on baby sleep, other people talk about their babies who slept/sleep through the night, the methods to “fix” the “problem,” and the other moms who look put together, well rested, and can actually carry on an intelligent conversation without spacing off. It is really frustrating and sometimes I just want to throw my shoe.
Fact: Last night I got 4 hours of sleep, broken up into three chunks. I feel like crap, like my body just might be shutting down.
Another fact: This is how I feel almost every day but I’m okay.
Despite being so tired and definitely subject to debate, I personally don’t think it’s a problem. There are so very many reasons why babies aren’t “supposed” to sleep through the night. Some do, I’ve even heard of some that have to be woken up in the morning or they’ll just keep sleeping – every baby is different. But it is totally okay if they don’t.
I’ve done my research. I Google search “baby sleep” daily. Based on the research, we chose not to sleep train Owen. We believe in comforting him at night and are not worried that it is creating a bad habit. A sense of security is not a bad habit. My goal is to maximize sleep for everyone in this house while respecting Owen’s needs. I don’t take a specific approach to nighttime parenting, I follow his cues and my instincts. Ferber method, No Cry Sleep, Baby Whisperer…I’m not bashing them, those methods might work for some people and that’s great, but it’s not right for us. What matters is that you find out what works for you and your baby. Okay, so I’m a bit tired. I’m a lot tired but I’m confident in my parenting choices, Owen is thriving, happy, and healthy, and yet I still can’t shake the social pressure some days.
I try to avoid the Huffington Post links that swarm my newsfeed but a friend posted this article the other day and more to the point was a comment someone made on her post, “I’ve thought for years that it is ridiculously unfair that grow men get to have the comfort of their wife beside them, while their helpless children are ridiculed for not being brave enough to sleep alone.” Truth.
Especially on days like this one, when Owen and I are both tired, cranky, and have just had it with every situation, the pressure of his sleep ” problem” feel so heavy on my shoulders. I start to feel uncertain about myself as a mother and wonder what I’m doing wrong. Guilt weighs in and my insecurity prevents me from trusting my instincts <– which is my foundation as a parent.
I had this aha! moment. It happened about a week ago. I spoke to another mom who does things like I do – who also felt that you do not need to let the babe cry it out, who believes that nighttime feedings are still necessary past infancy. I felt better, the guilt was gone and I could continue doing what I was doing confidently and be happy about it.
I hold onto that conversation. I shove all the pressure aside and realize that I know enough and am strong and confident enough to ignore all the noise. My instincts are almost always right, the hardest part is learning to trust them. My mother always reminds me that “this too shall pass” and it will. Someday I will struggle to connect with Owen and I will miss the nighttime cuddles. So for now I’m going to snuggle and soak up every perfectly imperfect moment.
As silly and overly dramatic as this may seem, I’ve been really struggling with this portion of motherhood. I told my sister about it and she encouraged me to publish this post (it sat in my drafts for a few days). “Nope. Publish it. Parenting is rough. Cale [her son] had his days and nights messed up for months. It was brutal. Looking back it was good cuddles but it was so rough. Never so exhausted in my life.” I know I’m not alone.
Brew the coffee strong and don’t forget to embrace life before it passes you by. And I’ve been told that it does all too quickly. It’s an amazing perfectly imperfect thing, life is, and we should never take it for granted.
Chelsea M says
I have four kids (#5 on the way) and my 17 month old still wakes at least once a night to eat. She needs it. She consumes lots of calories during the day, but has a fast metabolism and is hungry at night. So what? These years seems long, but they will eventually sleep, and what you are doing is more important than sleep!!
Mary Ellen says
I LOVE this! And that was the exact point I wanted to make with this challenge! I hate how as moms there is so much pressure from social media to be "perfect" and to not let the bad days shine through. I actually found that some days finding something imperfect to share was really hard, and I loved that. Other days of course I had to narrow it down to just one or two things haha! It was fun to look back and see the ups and downs and to also see that the other moms out there are going through the exact same thing, even if some of us try and put on a perfect face each day. I'm so glad you did this with me π
RenoRx (Watch Meesh Run) says
Thank-you for the comment about the baby sleeping through the night. People constantly ask about our 10.5 month old's sleeping habits and you know what? They are not perfect. We still wake up and nurse 1-3 times per night, but I honestly feel that this is the reason we have lasted so long with nursing. Being a mom is hard and I am happy I found your reality blog. It helps, it really does. π Thank-you <3