“Ice-resistant coatings require investigating droplet impact on dry surfaces and wet films, including microscopic effects such as droplet splashing. To investigate droplet impacts, a volume of fluid (VOF) flow solver was used for droplets impacting dry and wetted hydrophobic and superhydrophobic surfaces, focusing on meso-scale simulations.”
Four years ago, I was writing stuff like that for my thesis paper earning my master’s degree in aerospace engineering. I drank coffee because I needed the caffeine. I read papers, textbooks, researched aircraft icing incidences. I was deriving a modified convection equation and my alphabet consisted of delta, beta, gamma, and rho. My graphing calculator was my security blanket. I pulled all-nighters running simulations on super computers and praying my code that I slaved for hours on would finally work this time. I successfully defended my thesis and graduated with honors in the spring of 2012. I did it. I was exhausted, impressed with myself, and proud of my achievements.
{Then I immediately rushed out of Mississippi, got married, moved to Germany, worked a job I hated, lived the life of a military spouse with a deployed husband, quit my job, and had a baby when he came home.}
Fast forward to today and I’m teaching a busy 2 year old his ABCs. I’m learning how to play with trucks and I can almost name each and every piece of construction equipment.
I now know that scraper and scrapper are not the same thing. My living room is almost always strewn with trucks hauling, towing, and dumping various things to include but not limited to dried peas from last night’s dinner, laundry, and grandma and grandpa on FaceTime. I’m imagining that dried beans are rocks and the grout lines between the tile are roads.
I drink coffee because I need the caffeine. I pull all-nighters bouncing between kids; nursing the baby and shooing away the monsters in the nightmare. I slave over new techniques on how to convince my toddler to stay in his room for nap and bedtime, praying this method would be the one that finally works. We’ll tackle the staying in bed part of sleeping later.
Lately he’s been fighting sleep in any capacity. At nap and at bedtime. He’s now in a toddler bed and has discovered his freedom after getting tucked in. After two hours of a failed nap time he will doze off on the couch or during dinner. I can’t be mad about it because I never get to photograph him sleeping.
I spend a lot of time changing diapers. And kissing tiny little toes and adoring squishy baby legs.
I read books about how to be a gracious parent, not superhydrophobic surfaces. I make grocery lists and meal plans rather than derive equations. My graphing calculator has dust and my new security blanket is coffee. And wine.
Being a mom is the best. But when I try to get some me time while Della’s asleep and Owen is playing on his own, it doesn’t last long before I hear a little voice saying, “mom pway wiff me!” or “mom read it!” I can’t say no.
Don’t get me wrong. I miss not having time to myself, I miss long hot showers, a clean apartment, I miss being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. However, I just don’t care anymore. I used to be high maintenance but now I miss Della when I take a shower and I miss Owen even after a 10 minute screaming fit because I sat down at the computer. I usually don’t get much more than a five minute shower a day and I’m cool with that. I live for my kids and they couldn’t care less if I have eyeliner on.
Now with baby number two, I realize that what my mom told me is true. Every day is better than the last. And I’m already aware of how fast it goes because, well, Owen. This time around instead of saying, “I can’t believe she’s…” or “where is time going?” I’m going to focus on celebrating each milestone and enjoying every moment, even the difficult ones.
My mom always says no one can take away your education. I have a master’s degree in aerospace engineering and I went into debt to get my bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering. SIX years of school. My education didn’t go away when I became a mom or when we put the diplomas into storage when we moved to Korea. I look back at my thesis research and am so amazed that I did that. I used to be so sure that I’d one day use my degree, now I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll go back to school or maybe I’ll become a teacher. I can’t say what the future holds for my career and our family but I know it’s good.
I wanted to be a wife and a mom more than I wanted air in college. For now, this is my new normal. It’s a trade-off. My world has expanded – I have learned to see the world in an entirely new way – through my children’s eyes. And the things they are going to teach me!! I have no doubt in a few short years I’ll be able to rattle off the different periods of dinosaur development, or you know, something like that. I have more confidence. When I was a student, I was never sure if doing my best was enough, since there was always someone just as good or better. I am bolder in taking steps to be a good person. I’m human and falter sometimes but I have surprised myself over and over with what I can accomplish by wanting to do right by Owen and Della. To them, my best is more than enough.
I am doing this. I am exhausted, impressed with myself, and proud of my achievements. How refreshing and encouraging is that? I love being a stay-at-home mom and, recognizing the privilege I have in making this choice, I wouldn’t have it any other way. (Please note that I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently). I am living a life that makes me happy and fulfilled. In the end, I believe this is what all moms deserve, no matter how they get there.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!
xoxo
lorrie says
Your children are beautiful!!! And so is your writing.