A is for Acronyms. The boys can talk in acronyms like it is a whole different language and more often than not, we’re expected to keep up. Most of the time I just smile and nod. The acronyms are used commonly and formerly (meaning some are important and some vary on their level of appropriateness.) I’ll rattle off a few: RTB, ATC, PCS, vRED, BFM, BAH, SATCOM, DEERS, ENJJPT, FOD, SWAG or just WAG, YGBSM, LPA, UPT, Everything has an acronym. TLA stands for “three letter acronym.” See what I mean?
B is for B!tching Betty. Betty is the automated female voice that speaks in-cockpit warnings in the F-16. This is also a common name we give people who complain too much or talk too much, but the boys seem to love Betty. In fact, she’s manage to score the position as ring tone on several of their cell phones. It’s not uncommon to hear “Chaff, Flare” at a squadron gathering when a pilot receives a text message.
C is for call sign. Every good pilot (and that’s all of them, of course) has a call sign. Each pilot is “given” a call sign during a Naming. This is a tradition in the Air Force and I suppose we can consider it a source of comradery within the squadron. The call sign is the pilot’s tactical nickname and they are no longer known by their first names. In fact, most of the pilots don’t even know each others first names. <– I’m not kidding. The call sign can be a play on the person’s surname or they can be “earned” by displaying a random act of, well, stupidity. Some call signs are associated with a tactical story that begins with, “so there I was…” Nevertheless, every call sign has two extremely exaggerated stories behind it: the politically correct version and the story of what actually happened. They haven’t had a “naming” in the squadron since we got here and the Viper Pilot is still known as FNG (don’t ask) which is what all new guys are called before their get their call sign. So…what’s your call sign? You can get one here.
D is for Dos Gringos. Two F-16 pilots who carry on the tradition of fighter pilot songs. You can visit their website (caution: some of their music is, um, well it’s kind of inappropriate so be wary of young ears, sorry) to hear samples of the songs, but unless you’re a fighter pilot or associated with one, it probably won’t mean much to you. The more I learn about the fighter world, the funnier the songs get. I made the Viper Pilot so proud when he overheard me singing, “don’t shake your baby, while you drink and drive…” as I was making dinner one night.
E is for envy. He’s seen Germany from above multiple times and I’m just a little bit jealous…
F is for flight suit. The green garbage bag that our boys more or less live in and bring home to us spouses all stinky and gross. I wash two loads of flight suits every week, usually while pinching my nose. Don’t even get me started with his stinky boot socks. I read a hilarious blog post that compared the flight suit to kid pajamas: single garment, one big zipper down the front, and fire retardant.
Yep, that about sums it up. As true as that all may be, I am a fan of the flight suit. Back when we were dating and the Viper Pilot was on the flying team at the academy, I tried on his flight suit just for the fun of it while he was at practice one day and I wore one when I got the taxi ride in the backseat of the jet. You actually do feel like you’re wearing a green garbage bag. It did nothing for my figure, and though I’m biased, my husband and Tom Cruise make the flight suit look good.
G is for grateful. For what he does for his country. For providing a roof over our craniums. That he finally came home. That he is leaving again so we can have girl time, go shopping on the weekends, and take a break from flight suit laundry. That God will watch over him and keep him safe while he’s doing his job. Grateful.
H is for hook. When or if a pilot fails an upgrade flight checkride, they receive an “unsatisfactory” or “unsat” or “U” grade. Note the hook shape of the letter “U”…ahh-ha! Now you get it. It doesn’t happen very often, but it’s common to hear the pilots ask each other if he “hooked his ride” or gossip about the pilot who did.
I is for independent. Our husbands are gone 50% (sometimes more) of the time. We live half of our lives alone or as a single parent. We’re tough ladies.
J is for Jeremiah Weed. 100 proof liquor that is a “traditional” drink of choice for fighter pilots and is always in stock in the squadron bar. It’s often compared to JP-8 (jet fuel) because it tastes like what kerosene probably tastes like (not that anyone has every tried kerosene). It is really gross <– speaking from experience. You can read the true story of Jeremiah Weed here.
K is for kissable. I get my “honey, I’m home” kiss even before the dog gets greeted. I am the one he will always be happy to come home to and I love this crazy in love thing we have goin’ on between us… 🙂
L is for LPA. “Lieutenant Protection Association.” This is an unofficial organization of el-tees (the youngest officer rank in the AF) to protect them from being hazed by the old dudes (no offense intended…remember, older = wiser). The LPA is a critical part of any good fighter squadron. Duties include: being a good wingman, mastering the art of making the perfect jalapeno popcorn, Snacko (keeping the snack bar stocked), and keeping the squadron bar stocked with beer, good whiskey, and Jeremiah Weed.
M is for Mach. This is a way to measure speed relative to the speed of sound. A unit of 1.0 is equal to the speed of sound (~340.29 m/s at sea level). My husband sometimes flies faster than the speed of sound and being the nerdy engineer that I am, I’m a-okay with that. Just as long as he doesn’t catch his hair on fire…
N is for night weeks. Oh, night weeks. How art thou I hate thee. Every so often, the pilots will shift their schedules so they go in to work later in the morning (or not) and stay later. They have various reasons for this, but the primary reason is, similar to driving a vehicle at night, flying at night is a whole different experience. They need to make sure the NVGs (night vision goggles) are GTG (good to go). Who doesn’t wish their husband would come home at 11 pm and ask you what’s for dinner? Psh. No love lost for night weeks.
O is for online. We rely upon the internet to stay connected with each other while he is away and with our family now that we live in another county. For the Viper Pilot and I, our LDRs (long distance relationships) depend on email, phone, and snail mail. It’s important that we can say goodnight and sweet dreams every night.
P is for piddle pack. Most heavy (non-fighter) aircraft have on-board bathrooms for those long flights when youreallygottago. But the F-16 is a single seat so not only is there no one to drive while you use the facilities, there is obviously no room for a potty room in the jet. Piddle packs are small plastic bags that have the capability to turn liquid into gel. The only reason I chose this for the letter P is the obvious intended pun and because the other day my 8-year-old nephew called and asked if there was anything Uncle Viper Pilot could send him that he could bring to show-and-tell at school. What does the Viper Pilot suggest? A piddle pack. Really?
Q is for Queep. A task or duty that is completely useless and ultimately unrelated to the pilot’s primary job. Sometimes the Viper Pilot will call and say, “I’ll be home whenever I finish all this queep so I can fly tomorrow.” Queep, queep, queep…
R is for Remote Tours. They are inevitable. A tour to a remote location includes the Middle East, Korea, and others. Generally, the remote tours are 1 year long and are unaccompanied (meaning family members do not go along). HELLOOoooo, care packages. 🙂
S is for so to speak. This is straight up fighter pilot speak and trust me there is no Rosetta Stone to fighter pilot “lingo,” if you will. For example, you must say “cranium,” “nugget,” or “skull” instead of “head.” And “container” instead of “box.” There are reasons but I will not share. A fighter pilot will say “so to speak” following any phrase that may, in some way, be constructed as a double entendre. Again, I will spare you an elaboration.
T is for TDY. This stands for “temporary duty.” They are a temporary deployment to another location. Remember when we were in Phoenix shortly after the wedding because the Viper Pilot had to be there for training? That was a TDY. I usually always have the option to go with him on my own dime. (I’m holding out for a TDY to Santorini, but I don’t foresee that happening…) When I can go along, they’re great. When I can’t or when we can’t afford plane tickets, they’re not great. “You’re going to be gone for how long??”
U is for UPT. Where it all began…UPT is “Undergraduate Pilot Training.” It’s everything that the Viper Pilot did while he was in Mississippi. All fighter pilots have been there, done that. Back in the day when flying the F-16 was just a twinkle in his eye…
V is for Viper. The F-16 is commonly known as the Viper…’nuff said. It’s the other love of my husband’s life.
W is for worry. All the time. I know being a worry wart is not productive or healthy, but you just can’t help it. Hearing about an incident in the fighter community makes me worry about the community, family and friends affected. I worry about whether he’ll make it home in time for something important. Looking into the future, I worry that he’ll miss the birth of our child or their first word. I worry about how to parent by myself. I worry that I won’t be able to stay strong during a deployment. But whatev. While the thoughts are always in the back of my mind, I usually just brush them away and not let them consume me. This is how it is. I have two options: remain cool, calm and collected and handle it or I can leave. Really though, I only have the first option because I promised the Viper Pilot I’m not going anywhere. 🙂
eX is for exhausted. I don’t know how he does it, but the Viper Pilot can crank out five 15 hour days in a row and not be a total grouch when he gets home at the end of the day. He has a tough job, and he is exhausted when he comes home. That’s part of why I try to be a good wife and have dinner planned out for the week so he at least doesn’t have to starve. The other part of why I try to be a good wife is because I want to be. Duh… {I don’t know about you, but I just pictured me standing in the kitchen with my apron on doing my best trophy wife pose…oh, yeah.}
Y is for YGBSM. I’m not going to elaborate much on this one. It’s a term of shock or disbelief at someone’s stupidity and originated with the Wild Weasel role which is the mission that the Viper Pilot flies. Additionally, someone (jokingly) wrote this in our guest book at our wedding. We’re pretty sure we know who it was…someone’s a comedian. 😉
Z is for Zulu. It’s imperative for a pilot’s spouse to keep track of local time and zulu time because the pilots run on zulu at work. If the pilot says he’s going to work at 0900, then there is a good chance he means 1100 local. Fortunately, living in Germany, the difference isn’t as large and it’s easier to convert.
And there you have it. Welcome to my world. 😀
Casey! says
It's funny when I was on the ice it's very common to be called a "fingee" which is another way to say FNG!! I had to laugh when I read it!
Emily says
HA! We just say "Eff en gee" but "fingee" sounds like more fun. The Viper Pilot said he's also heard it called "funge."
Tamera says
FNG, ha.
Apparently my call sign is Rawhide.
Emily says
Rawhide…hehe! I was Lark…
Kristin Lynn says
This totally made my day!!!
cburtnett says
Just call me 'Shark'!
Old Soldier says
Awesome : ) Right on the money! Thank you for the laughs this morning.
Susan says
Hi Emily – I am married to a retired USAF fighter pilot (A-10 and F-16s). Twenty two of our forty+ years of marriage have been when he was on active duty flying fighters. I am glad that you realize what an amazing life/man you signed up for. Godspeed to you both.
Susan says
Hi Emily – I am married to a retired USAF fighter pilot (A-10 and F-16s). Twenty two of our forty+ years of marriage have been when he was on active duty flying fighters. I am glad that you realize what an amazing life/man you signed up for. Godspeed to you both.