It's early on a Sunday morning and I'm supposed to be in bed.
I stayed up way too late last night with Alex, whom I haven't seen in days thanks to his insane work hours, planning a trip to Australia that we can't afford instead of editing the hundreds of photos from last weekend's 11 photo sessions. Instead of folding the laundry. I can't remember the last time I cleaned the apartment, in fact, I'm not sure if I've ever cleaned the apartment...have I? The tub really needs scrubbed and I can carve my name in the layer of scum in the kitchen sink. Every night before falling asleep I lay in my fancy sheets that I scored for next to nothing on a black Friday sale and just appreciate how it feels to relax. I don't have much conscious time left but I dare to rest fully in God in the rare moment of quiet and give thanks.
Thirty minutes after I went to bed, Owen woke up screaming in a night terror and tried to go out the door of our apartment (thank goodness for chain locks). An hour after I got him settled back down, Della woke up to nurse and then again two hours later. She must be teething. I closed my eyes briefly and woke up to Owen standing next to me at 5:30 am demanding we begin our day. And that was just last night. It's not a far cry from what an average night looks like for me.
I'm in awe everyday of how motherhood has changed me. In how I see myself, how I present myself, and what is important to me. I worry less about how I look and what people think and more about being a good person, especially in the eyes of my children.